Monday, May 21, 2007

More Uncle Zeke Vignettes

Uncle Zeke Vignettes, Continued. . .
by David Parmer

"Bub" Heater
"Bub" Heater of Burnsville was in our town [Buzzardtown] recently and somehow the following bit of foolishness popped into my head.

Here you see old Bub, the clown,
With his Roebuck car all bound for town;
The cussed thing, it would not start,
So Bub gets out to push the cart.
Now Bub, he pushed with all his might,
But the car was stuck so awful tight;
Bub cussed the day he bought the flivver,
And kicked it into the Kanawha River.
To the right is Bub Heater (far right) with his Sears & Roebuck car and good friend Bailey Knight. Below Bubba's photo is a stock photo of a Sears & Roebuck car. Click on the photos to enlarge them.

. . . . Claud Townsend
Claud Townsend has an old gray mule,
Just the thing he says for farming;
But when his heels go into the air,
Things look very much alarming.
One day the mule pinned back his ears,
And humped up in the back;
He kicked Claud into Kingdom Come,
So Claud, he never came back.
Some day I hope Claud will return,
Unless he’s with the Lord;
And swap that measly mulish mule,
For a little Henry Ford.
And when you have a cussed mule,
Just watch the business end;
For if you don’t your friends are sure,
Your funeral to attend.

Mustache Growing Contest
The mustache growing contest between John Brice, John Gallagher, James Feeney, and Charles Tully ended Sunday, February 9, at noon. Charles Tully won largely over the other three candidates, having at least one whisker more on his lip than the other did, for which he received a real cob pipe, donated by the other three for his victory.

Orlando residents Nathan Parmer (lt) (see Ollie and Nathan Parmer) and Mike Thomas (rt) (see Mike Thomas' Family ) must have been great inspirations to these aspiring mustache growers
You Can’t Keep Good Folks Down
Work has picked up a little in our community [Buzzardtown] this spring. Ernie Fox made a brush heap; George Riffle nailed a board to a fence; Floyd Posey cut a bush down; P. N. Blake made a hatchet handle; Mrs. O. L. Stutler made an onion bed; Mrs. E. F. Fox picked a mess of greens; Tom Conley cleaned his pipe out; and Mrs. P. N. Blake set a hen.

You just can’t keep good folks down.

Pictured to the right is Mrs. O.L. Stutler, Edith (Skinner) Stutler, who made an onion bed that day. She is with her two youngest children, Bill and Jane.

. Hard Luck for Oley
Oley McCoy declares that during the Cleveland [President Grover Cleveland] administration in order to make ends meet he spent over a month gathering bones to sell to Lee Morrison, who was then in the bone business, thinking in that way to whale up a stake, and to his surprise when Mr. Morrison came around to receive the fruits of his labor he realized just thirty cents for all his labor. He now declares that just a few weeks ago he sold his last turkey gobbler and rooster guinea at a similar price per capita. He also says that one of his boys ran the gobbler for a half day to catch him and then was sick for a week on account of it. Oley has about decided to join the Republocrats and go it alone.

Billy the Newspacker Goes A’Courtin’
NOTE: Toward the middle of his journalistic career, Uncle Zeke began using the writing technique of employing a fictitious character he called "Billy the Newspacker." Uncle Zeke acknowledged that Billy the Newspacker was in fact Uncle Zeke himself. The use of Billy the Newspacker was a vehicle to add another voice to his column to keep it interesting and give the columns another dimension. What Uncle Zeke may not write about himself, he could write about Billy the Newspacker. Now, the story:

* * * * *
On last Sunday Billy the Newspacker bethought himself that he would go courting. After besmearing his brogans with ‘possum grease, scraping a little fuzz from his chin with his dad’s razor, tying a red "bandanner" around his neck, cramming a package of chewing gum into his vest pocket, loading himself down with a half dozen cigarettes and a penny box of matches, he hied himself to the home of one he idolized and adored above all earthly beings. On arriving at the home he found the prize for which he sought neatly dressed in her best mother-hubbard, with her face powdered and painted insomuch that she would have put a young Apache squaw to shame, and her lips bearing a brown appearance from the excessive use of Ralph’s Scotch snuff. After clasping her in his out-stretched arms and planting a few kisses upon her ruby brown lips, extracting therefrom the nectar (or snuff) so much desired, they seated themselves on the sofa in front of a good warm fire in the parlor. They then began to talk of their future prospects with pigs and chickens, children and dogs to bless their future home and brighten their married life. Time flew.

But presently, when the ‘possum grease on his brogans began to warm up and an obnoxious scent emanated therefrom and was carried to the tender nostrils of the love-sick "sheeny" she remarked that it was her day in the kitchen and that he would have to excuse her until after the noonday repast. So in order that he might amuse himself in her absence, she reached in her library, selected one of her favorite story books and asked him if he liked novels. "I don’t know," was the reply. "I never tasted one, but I am real fond of ‘possum." I don’t doubt that ere long the nuptial knot will be tied, the wedding bells will be ringing and Miss Gossip will become the happy Mrs. Newspacker.

In advance let me wish you both a happy voyage on the matrimonial sea and that each of you will persistent newspackers for the Buzzardtown correspondent known as

Numerous entries include comments by the ever-observant "Uncle Zeke." Read about the newspaper columnist and B & O Trackman P.N. Blake of Posey Run in the Oct '06 entry Uncle Zeke From Buzzard Town and the Dec '06 entry Trouble At Uncle Zeek's House.


comment 1 Donna G.
FYI, although we can't hold Uncle Zeke to the details, or even to the facts sometimes, Odey McCoy was was in his early teens and Lee Morrison was in his 20s in the 1890s, when Grover Cleveland was in office.

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